


Easier to Just Swim Down

by pennylehane



Series: the pianist [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aaron Burr is Trying Okay, Alexander Hamilton/Aaron Burr (Implied), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Eliza Schuyler is Amazing, F/F, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Modern AU, Open Relationships, Piano, Polyamory (implied), Recovery, Theodosia Prevost Burr/Aaron Burr/Eliza Schuyler (Implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 17:49:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11318526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pennylehane/pseuds/pennylehane
Summary: Theodosia's last sense of living, of emotion, is in playing the piano. Nothing her husband does is reaching her. When he invites the Hamiltons to stay with them during a house move, she gets a glimmer of something new.





	Easier to Just Swim Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle (twoandahalfslytherins)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoandahalfslytherins/gifts).



Music swirled up from the piano keys like smoke as her fingers danced over them, quick and bright as the sudden points of light filtering through thick foliage in a summer breeze. Theodosia swayed forwards as the notes grew into a tumbling crescendo, strength shimmering clean down her muscles from shoulder to fingertip and flowing out before shimmering into the final, ethereal high notes. Hands trembling, she sat back and breathed.

“We don’t have to,” Aaron said behind her. She didn’t have the energy to jump, but turned slowly to see him leaning back against the door. He never interrupted her playing. “I can cancel.”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Even if they’re on their way already, I can book them a hotel.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” He was coming forwards. Theodosia shook her head, letting her curls slip forwards where she would not have to look into his piercing dark eyes.

He dropped to one knee, reaching to take her hand up from the piano keys. “Theodosia.”

“I’m tired.” She pulled away before he could kiss her hand, not looking. He stood, letting her pull away.

“Why don’t you take a nap? I’ll make dinner.” Aaron’s voice was soft, and didn’t sound hurt by her distance. He never did.

She nodded. “Wake me up when they get here.”

“Of course.” For a moment, it didn’t come, and then, trippingly— “I love you.”

She trailed her fingers along the wall as the left the room, tasting the rough drag of patterned wallpaper. Tapped out the rhythm of the music she had been playing on the bannister as she walked upstairs, not quite finding the strength to hum. The bedroom was closer than it should have been somehow, and she dropped onto the bed, stumbling, still fully dressed.

Down the hall, in Theo’s room, the same song started to play. Theodosia pulled one of the poems from Aaron’s side, and pressed it tightly over her own head. Time failed, utterly, to pass.

And yet, without the tick of the clocks to spur him on, Aaron’s footsteps approached. She ripped off the pillow. “How long?”

“Six hours.”

She moaned and rolled over. Even more than last time. “Are they here?”

“About ten minutes away. Do you want me to tell them you’re feeling ill?”

“Don’t be an idiot.” She pushed her way out of the bed on the far side from Aaron, and tried not to see him standing adrift in the mirror. The glass under her fingers was cool and firm, like stones worn by years of ocean caresses. “You only asked them over because you thought it would help.”

“I’m sorry.” She made the mistake of turning back when it registered that she had hurt him. Aaron never cried, but his eyes were wide, and dark, and swimming like a riptide deep under an ocean canyon. Damn him. “Go wait for them,” she said instead of apologising. “I’m going to change.”

He left without saying anything. Theodosia pulled off her blouse, and considered putting on a dress. Makeup. But she felt exhausted just looking at her collection of brown lipsticks, the wardrobe. Instead, she scrubbed herself with baby wipes until the harsh lemon scent and cool wetness left her almost awake, and dug out a blouse Aaron had bought her, not long after they were married. It was a poor apology, but it was mossy green with gold flower patterns, and the silky fabric was smooth and kind against her skin.

Somewhere below, the doorbell rang. She flinched, and found her hand pulling away from the door when she tried to open it. Traitor.

Aaron was in the doorway to the living room, movement flickering behind him. He turned to face her. “Theodosia, come and meet the Hamiltons,” he called.

She stepped past him when he made room in the doorway, letting him reach forwards to take her hand without acknowledging him.

She had met Alexander once, years ago, and he looked little different now—more wrinkles gathered at the corners of his eyes, a few more streaks of grey in his hair. It was still long though, and whipped wispily back as if he spent his life running headlong into the wind. His hands fluttered dizzily as he turned to address his wife. She was younger than him, Theodosia knew, the same age as Aaron, and while she had no grey in her hair, her laugh lines matched Alexander’s perfectly, dappled where they crossed the trail of her gold eyeliner. Her eyes glittered with smiles at whatever he was saying, and she stepped forwards, offering a hand.

“Eliza,” she introduced herself. “Thank you so much for having us for the summer. Moving between cities is absolute hell even without the children in tow.”

Theodosia pulled away from Aaron to shake it, feeling Eliza’s strong grip creak at her knuckles. “Theodosia. You’re welcome.”

A second later, Alexander was sweeping her up in a hug, oblivious to her standing like a rock in his arms. “It’s been years! Theo seems like a lovely girl,” he added, stepping back.

Aaron rolled forwards, skirting Theodosia to give her some distance. “She took the Hamiltons’ kids up to her room to play before dinner,” he explained. “Can I interest you in some drinks?”

“That would be wonderful, thank you,” Eliza said warmly.

Alexander nodded, backing up to loop his arm around her waist. “You know I can’t resist your taste in wine, man.”

Aaron nodded and glanced at Theodosia—either asking if she wanted a drink or giving her the opportunity to go and get them if she needed space. She shook her head slightly, and let him turn away into the hall.

“Take a seat,” she said, gesturing to the sofa and sinking into an armchair. The wooden floorboards felt grounding under her bare feet. “How was your drive out?”

“Road trip with kids, never fun,” Alexander said. “We saw some real sights though.”

Eliza snorted. “You saw some sights. I was busy trying to keep the kids from sticking their head out the window like dogs, god knows where they picket _that_ up from.”

“I stopped when you told me to!”

“You could have stopped the minute it entered your head!”

Theo felt a grin almost pull at her lips at the flash of Eliza’s fond annoyance, the mischievous flutter of Alexander’s grin. There was a loud thump that had all three of them casting concerned glances up towards Theo’s room. Aaron’s light footsteps eddied past them on the way up.

“How many kids do you have?” Theodosia asked.

Alexander took in a deep, whistling breath. “Four, they’re all with us, but Philip and Angie are great with the little ones, well, keeping them out of trouble more than keeping the volume down. It’s great having so many running around you know? I like the whole big family thing, I didn’t think I would be.”

“And now you know why he’s not allowed coffee,” Eliza said when he stopped for breath.

Theodosia laughed, stroking her thumb over the wooden frame of her chair. She broke off as the faint splash of drinks announced Aaron’s arrival.

“Dinner should be about twenty minutes,” he said.

“Are the kids okay?” Eliza asked.

He nodded. “James tripped, but he’s alright.”

“I’m starting to regret teaching him to walk,” Alexander huffed. He leaned forwards on his hands, and for a moment Theodosia feared he was going to break whatever spell had let her engage properly, the dancing flicker of enjoyment with the couple, by asking after her health. Instead, he asked he if Aaron still snored.

***

Aaron pulled her seat out as the children filtered past them to fill in the dinner table. He had made her favourite, tick hot curry with sticky, fragrant rice and a crisp salad.

She had always like spicy food, but lately the contrasts of taste and texture seemed to be the only way she could really enjoy a meal. He was trying so hard.

Alexander’s skittering past her was just a flush of breeze, before the warmth of Eliza leaning over her soaked in as she tested whether it was too hot for their youngest. Aaron sat beside her, watching her. He reached for her hand, but just as quickly pulled away when she didn’t respond.

When Eliza pulled back to sit beside her own husband, she turned her attention back to the food. Aaron leaned over to feed the children.

Theodosia took a bite rather than be expected to make conversation. Alexander was more than enough to cover for her. He bounced in his seat as he spoke, wolfing down huge mouthfuls in the brief pauses where someone responded to him as if trying to free up his mouth in time to take over.

When he mentioned Eliza, he reached out and ran his fingers up her arm, or squeezed her hand. Theodosia could see Aaron’s gaze drawn to the motion, pulling him in sways towards the couple and then back towards Theodosia with almost tidal force. She sank back in her seat.

As quickly as Alexander spoke, Eliza always moved to match him, a far cry from the silence that had dominated the table for months. She was right opposite Theodosia, keeping careful watch over the kids, hands flickering out from her own plate to stop James from throwing food at his sister, or flapping at Alexander to shush him so that she or Aaron could get a word in edgeways. Broke in with open-ended questions that could draw the Burrs, or more often the children, into the conversation. Nobody pressured Theodosia to contribute, but they all stayed angled a little towards her, leaving her the space to join them.

Later, she sat down a little too heavily on the bed next to Aaron. “You were right.”

He tipped his head, waiting.

“Inviting them,” she elaborated. “I did feel better. More awake.”

“I’m so glad,” he said, reaching for her hand. He pulled it up and kissed her knuckles, a soft touch with all the presence of sea-foam.

She pulled away, but smiled gently at him. “Thank you.”

“I love you.”

That night, again, it was too much to let herself sleep in his arms. But she held his hand.

***

Days later, Theodosia was at the piano again. She could almost see the music, a slow, intangible bass chords that sifted up through the wooden frame and twining in the air like coils of smoke, heavy and grey. As she sped up, right hand flickering along the keys, tiny sparks flew through the melody, bright and dancing and slipping from bar to bar in twirlingly elegant cascades.

Applause, behind her. Not Aaron.

Theodosia turned, holding the note, to see Eliza standing in the doorway.

“You’re very talented,” she said, bright-eyed. “That was beautiful.”

“I was thinking of you,” Theodosia replied thoughtlessly.

Rather than blush, Eliza took a delighted step forwards. “You composed that?”

She nodded.

“Incredible. Amazing.” She came closer still, and Theodosia pulled back from the keys to reach for Eliza’s hand, small in her long pianist’s fingers. She had eyes as black as coal, but full of warmth. Eliza opened her mouth to say something else.

A loud thump from the room above interrupted her, and then a second later a loud rhythmic banging.

“Aren’t Aaron and Alexander in there?” Theodosia asked.

Eliza nodded, gaze pinned upwards.

“Are they…”

“I think they would have warned us if they were going to have sex,” Eliza said. “They could just be arguing about financial policy.”

There was another, louder, crash. “Financial policy?”

“I’ve heard worse.”

The rhythmic pounding noise continued.

“You’re _sure_ they’re not--”

“Alex would tell me first. We have rules. And Aaron wouldn’t, would he?”

Theodosia shrugged, grinning. “Oh, he would.”

“What?” Eliza looked scandalised.

“Did Alex never tell you how Aaron and I met?”

Eliza shook her head, hair swaying, and then froze as she caught up. “Wait, he--”

“Well, it was me, actually.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Husband.”

“ _Damn_. Reason?”

“Bored.”

Eliza choked on her laugh, had to catch herself on the piano as it grew to a hacking cough. Theodosia reached out a hand to support her, a throaty laugh of her own building.

“I _really_ would not have guessed,” Eliza said. She flopped down into Theodosia’s lap, disregarding her protest.

“I’ve pushed out for babies, I sit down when I want.”

“I’m old and sick, show some respect.”

“This isn’t a _competition_.”

“You started it!”

A second later they were giggling again. And _God_ , Aaron had been right to bring them here. Hamilton was all fresh air, got Aaron talking and Theodosia engaging with him, with all of them, in a way they hadn’t since her first wave of sickness. And Eliza made her laugh and bicker like a teenager again.

And she was still there. Sitting in Theodosia’s lap. Looking up at her as her mind drifted.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You came back.”

Theodosia smiled.

***

They took the children to the park, the second week the Hamiltons were there. Aaron sat down by the fountain, trailing his fingers through the water. Little James crouched on the rim, watching in fascination. Theo and Angelica were sat in the bushes, gesticulating excitedly as their game expanded, and Hamilton had joined the two older boys in a frisbee game, the wind tossing their hair and curling around them. Theodosia sat back in the grass, kicking off her shoes to dig her toes into the earth.

Eliza flopped down beside her. “I love your necklace, by the way.”

“Theo gave it to me last Christmas.” It was a daisy chain, made of silver and cheap gems. Theo had beamed when she saw her wearing it that morning.

Her expression must have said something, because Eliza gave her a warm smile. “You don’t need to feel guilty over it.”

“What?”

“You look so guilty, when you look at Aaron. Theo too, sometimes.”

“I do love them.”

“I know.”

Eliza was so close. Theodosia slumped into her, wishing she could cry. “I know I love them, I just. It’s so hard to feel it.”

“It’s okay.” Warm arms wrapped around her. “They understand. You’re sick, and you’re getting better.”

“Am I?”

Eliza’s breath was hot against her cheek. “I promise.”

“Oh,” she whispered. That felt realer, more solid, than anything else yet. Theodosia wilted. “I don’t feel any better.”

“It’s not a straight line. You’ll get better, and you’ll have bad days. That’s okay.”

The grass prickled under her palms. “I’m awful.”

“No,” Eliza said, without even letting her finish. “You’re not.”

“I ignore Theo.”

“You’re sick. She’s old enough to understand that. And the rest of us are happy to help.”

“I hurt Aaron. I know I do. I just don’t care.”

Eliza’s bright brown eyes were sympathetic, but firm. “Do you mean to?”

“Does it matter?” Theodosia pulled back, laying down in the long grass where she couldn’t see Aaron perched on the fountain with the baby.

“I don’t know. It probably matters to Aaron.”

“I should talk to him.”

“Are you going to?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Eliza rolled to lie beside her, finding her eyes again. “Do you want me to?”

“I don’t know what to say.” Something like a tear prickled at the back of Theodosia’s eye.

Eliza’s hand found hers. “Do you still love him?”

All the depth of feeling rushed out of her at the mere sound of the word. Theodosia groaned. “I don’t even love rice krispy treats any more,” she muttered.

Eliza laughed, and let it go.

***

Alexander pulled out Theodosia’s chair, while Aaron guided Eliza into hers. She sighed, leaning back. “It is _good_ to get an evening away from the kids.”

The waiter appeared to drop off their menus, and Aaron gave him their drinks order. Under the table, Eliza’s high heel bumped Theodosia’s shin. She smiled at her.

Alexander leaned forwards over his plate, grinning, to draw Aaron into conversation as Theodosia slumped, letting her eyes fall half-closed so that everyone in the restaurant faded from sight except for Eliza watching her, unimpressed.

“So this is how you celebrate our night off? Fall asleep in a three star restaurant?” she asked.

Theodosia rolled her eyes. “Sleep is my only love in life.”

Aaron flinched. She hadn’t thought he was listening.

“So, do you like Italian, Theodosia?” Eliza asked.

She blinked. “Yes?” They had talked about restaurants before. Eliza knew what she liked. She knew Eliza secretly liked eating takeout in the car more than any fancy restaurant in the country.

When Alexander groaned dramatically and tugged Aaron’s sleeve to draw him back into conversation, Theodosia understood. “Thanks.”

“For what?” Eliza asked, all guileless wide eyes. She cracked a grin just before Theodosia could have become anxious. “Not at all.”

“I’m going to miss you.” It came out too fast, and too quiet, but Eliza understood.

“It’s a good thing we’re moving so much closer, then,” she said simply.

Theodosia shook her head. “I never go out. Not any more.”

“We’re out right now.” Eliza reached for her hand across the table. “See? We can keep doing this.”

“I don’t know.” Theodosia’s lips felt too numb so say anything important.

“I promise.”

Their husbands were sat right beside them. Theodosia leaned back in her chair, grateful for the appearance of the waiter as a distraction.

“Are you ready to order?”

Theodosia flushed, confused for a moment, before gesturing Aaron to order for her. He asked for a Caesar salad and the seafood risotto she liked without looking away from the waiter. As the man walked away, she slumped.

“The risotto sounds lovely,” Eliza said gamely.

“You can try some.”

She smiled. “Oh, only if you’ll taste my tortellini. Preferably before Alexander steals half of them _yes you do you liar_. And I’m sure if will go beautifully with the wine. You have wonderful taste, Aaron.”

She was looking right at Theodosia when she said it. Theodosia gulped. “Why not? Try something new.”

Aaron was probably watching her again. This time, she ignored it and went back to talking with Eliza resolutely until he returned to his conversation with Alexander. When the starters arrived, Theodosia ate quickly, to relieve Eliza from carrying the entire weight of their conversation.

Eliza would have none of it. “How’s your salad?”

“Lovely. Is the soup nice?” Simple. Scripted. Easy. For once, an inexhausting conversation. It carried them easily through to the main course, where Eliza naturally felt the need to derail Theodosia’s sense of simplicity.

She pronged a shell of pasta and held it up for Theodosia. Automatically, she leaned forwards and bit it off.

Eliza giggled, almost childish. Theodosia flushed.

“Oh, so me pinning Aaron against the wall is childish, but you’re allowed to do that?” Alexander complained.

“That _was_ childish,” Eliza and Aaron said in unison, apparently oblivious to Theodosia’s growing flush.

Alexander pouted. “I don’t get to argue with people shorter than me often! I got carried away!”

Eliza laughed at him, and turned back to Theodosia. “He’s impossible, I don’t know why I married him.”

Alexander swatted her arm lightly, but was distracted soon enough by his food. Theodosia found she had quite lost her appetite for conversation, and went back to her risotto.

***

They came out of the restaurant yawning, arms wrapped around one another’s arms and shoulders.

Aaron sighed. “We had better head home.”

“Well, yes,” Alexander said, giving a side glance towards Theodosia and Eliza, “But there was something I wanted to do first.”

“If it involves a river--”

“That was one time!”

“Twice. That I know of,” Eliza supplied. Aaron nodded in agreement.

Alexander huffed. “I was _going_ to say, you guys haven’t seen the new house yet. Do you wanto to come visit it before we move in?”

“Now?” Eliza asked. Her arm tightened around Theodosia’s waist, and Theodosia felt her fingers twitch involuntarily.

Aaron’s hand, in hers, squeezed back. “Why not?”

“Great!” Alexander pulled forwards, dragging the chain of them after him to hail a cab.

The house was nice. No front yard, but a little stretch of driveway, and a wide front with cosy-looking bay windows that Theodosia adored on sight. The arm still wrapped around her waist pulled her forwards as Alexander fumbled with the lock.

The boys disappeared inside and up the stairs, Alexander dragging Aaron by the wrist, already chattering excitedly about their plans for the furniture. Theodosia drifted into the living room, vaguely aware of Eliza’s hand falling from her side. She approached the bay window, and rested her palm against the glass. Let the coolness soak right down through her roots.

Heat hit the back of her shoulders as Eliza came close. She turned, back to the window pane.

“You’ll have to come visit a lot once we’re here,” she said.

Theodosia’s heart hit her throat with real force. “Eliza.”

“I won’t hear of anything else.”

“But--”

“He wants you to be happy, Theo.”

“Don’t.”

“Okay.” Eliza stopped talking. Instead, her hands curved around Theodosia’s hips and skimmed up her waist in soft smooth touches. They reached her jaw.

Theodosia ripped away, almost stumbling in haste. “No.”

Eliza froze, palms up in supplication. “Theodosia?”

“Wait. Stay—just wait.” Theodosia tore out of the room. Thumped up the stairs into the rooms that would become children’s bedrooms until she found the one where their husbands were waiting, standing oddly alone in the room’s exact centre, holding hands but bumping at each other’s shoulders like children. They whipped around at the slam of the door when she burst in. She jabbed a finger at Alexander. “You, out.”

“This is my--”

_“Out.”_

He fled into the hall. Aaron reached for her, concerned. “Theodosia?”

“You know whats going on.” She stared right into his eyes.

He faltered. “I want you to be happy.”

“I don’t know what that means.” Her voice was oddly, almost dangerously flat to her own ears. “I don’t know what you want.”

“I mean it, Theodosia,” he said quietly.

“I don’t know _what_ you mean! I never do!”

“It means do what you want!” he snapped, voice raising. “God, Theodosia, _I don’t know what do do anymore_. I’ve tried _everything_! I’ve tried listening, and you don’t want to talk! I’ve tried talking, you don’t want to listen! I’ve tried being there and you don’t want me near you. I invited people into our home when I wasn’t enough for you!”

“That’s not--”

“Don’t.” The sudden burst of emotion was gone from Aaron’s voice, fierce and fast as a riptide taking her feet from under her.

Her heart fluttered as if crushed under the weight of words she could not remember how to say. “Aaron, please.”

He shook his head. “The Hamiltons have already talked about it. If we were functioning at all, we would have too.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “You’re sick, and you’re getting better. But I’m not helping.”

“That’s not--”

“Yeah it is. Do what you want, Theodosia. You don’t need my permission.” He didn’t look angry. He never sounded angry.

She hesitated. “You should go after Alexander. I think I was a little rude.”

“I’m sure people have been ruder to him.” He smiled.

She took it, and raced back down the stairs. Straight into the living room, and to the bay window where Eliza still stood. Wrapped her hands around Eliza’s waist and snatched her into a kiss so fierce she thought they would fall over from the force of it, sending them stumbling back into the glass. Eliza kissed back just as hard, soft lips and the taste of wine and tortellini and the scent of jasmine shampoo in her soft hair. Eliza’s warmth rushed through her, and Theodosia sighed, her knees sagging under her with sudden weightlessness.

Eliza pulled back by only a hair’s breadth, her voice a soft puff of air on Theodosia’s cheek. “I love you.”

She should say it back. Instead, she said, “I  _really_ need to talk to Aaron this time." She didn't move, except to press herself cheek-to-cheek against Eliza. "Later."

There was a soft little huff of laughter as, rather than question her or take offense, Eliza caught her by the collar and drew her into another kiss. This time it really did knock her off her feet, as Eliza’s strong arm scooped her back up and laid her out on the window seat.

Theodosia’s eyes drifted shut as tiny white teeth caught her lower lip, tugging and eager. Eliza’s tongue crept into her mouth with new excited heat. The moment dragged into the next, and the next, as the sky grew darker through the night and they lay beneath the wide glass window together, making out like teenagers and giggling into each other’s necks. As the stars came out to glitter down at them, Eliza fell asleep on Theodosia’s chest. Movement caught her eyes, two figures shifting in the doorway, but she closed her eyes and they were gone. There was warmth in her arms, and on her chest.

Theodosia looked down at her in the dark room, asleep, in the house that still had no electricity. “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Exchange fic! I really hope this came across as entirely respectful, my own personal experiences aside this is my first time writing about mental health. I really loved the prompt though, I hope you don't mind a little mix and matching of the ideas you listed. I left the ending pretty open, but for my own peace of mine lets assume there were _extensive_ discussions of the matter the next morning.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and comments are always welcome!


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